Keeping up my blog

September 13, 2011 - Last week a friend encouraged me to keep up the blog....  I lose sight of time so easily as seasons pass (much as I think we all do). Again delay, and now September.  Much of the past weeks has been developing the Fall schedule - a number of House Concerts and other venues as I plan my "I need to get the next CD done" tour.  Hoping to concentrate activity in a way that helps me raise enough to get the CD out.  Not sure of the name of it yet, "Fulton Street", "Geography of Love"... other names may come and go.  Its a good collection of songs that need to be winnowed down, so the tour will help in a way. I'll watch for reactions, get feedback...  The songs span from the mid 2000's to now and may yet include some of the three or four that I am presently working on. In all, they represent a journey through many, many places and states of being. It is an ever-changing world and I suspect that these upcoming shows will be part of it.  Already on the schedule for sure are Oklahoma City, Dallas, Philadelphia, State College PA, Reno NV and Boston.  Waiting for confirmation include gigs in New Jersey, Rhinebeck NY, Helena and Kalispell Montana, Port Townsend WA, DC and Knoxville, TN.  I'm open to other ideas and look forward to your thoughts and suggestions. More entries coming this week as well as the start of the calendar update!

I should note here, and will note again in the next few entries that I am joining Tim Mason in Salt Lake for two gigs as the Bone Collectors, our poetry/music collaboration in late September.  More on those soon.

Summer in Alaska

July 26, 2011 - I have delayed a bit in writing.  Houseguests and summer in Alaska are not very conducive to the creative spirit and often lead one down a path of quiet contemplation.  Years ago as a kid I read Dunsany's "Idle Days on the Yan", one of his many short fantasy pieces about a traveler drifting down a river and seeing the improbable sites on his voyage.  The story has a touch of lethargy and delay to it, a touch of the "perhaps I'll do that tomorrow..." refrain that can infect an Alaskan summer...  But the houseguests are gone and the page beckons.  New music is bubbling below the surface and, yes, there is work to do...  So I begin again.

All of these thoughts are in the shadow of the budget debate and the slow train wreck of the government's ability to either be civil or function. Was it ever worse? We think our times are always more dire, then read about members of Congress beating each other with canes in the 1850's - back when even firearms were allowed in the chambers. But it is true that these are different times.  Now more people are subject to our whims, and our actions can mark the dividing line of poverty for so many.  And still Congress dithers... more interested in re-election than right action. 

Most recently gay marriage was expanded to New York, and I was surprised at how quickly this US House seized on the coming Armageddon that loving marriage presented while ignoring their fiscal responsibility and the much more real crisis of the economy.  Here, in Anchorage, this battle was fought nearly twenty years ago. Our Anchorage Assembly struggled over the language of protection of basic rights for all citizens, including the addition of the words "sexual preference" to the City code as a prohibited reason to discriminate. Let me be clear (as the President is wont to say), not special rights, but the same rights a person of color or differing religion would have.  Simply put, their argument was should you have the right to discriminate against gay people. 

Needless to say a number of our high profile mega churches came out, Pastor Prevo's flock, misled and non-Christian in attitude, but only Christian in name, were driven like sheep to the Assembly chambers where they bleated their view of the imminent destruction of Anchorage, and they won that battle.  Ruined political lives, ended careers, drove a wedge through our community and then tried to hammer home their gains by explicitly identifying gay persons as an issue to be confronted and opposed. 

Finally, in the midst of all that, a number of churches rose up from their drift, their observation without comment, their "Idle Days...", and spoke out.  They hired me (for a pair of shoes) to help them facilitate a declaration of Christian love and rights.  Though I was not a practicing follower of a religion, they trusted me to help them develop their thoughts.  So week after week, leading up to the big vote, they worked on this statement.  Line by line, word by word.  Catholics, Methodists, fundamentalist Baptists, Lutherans, Jews, and many, many others. Brown bag lunches and discussions of conscience. In the end they wrote a manifesto and raised enough money to put it in the local paper - just in time for them to watch as those who fostered hate backed down and removed their proposed anti-gay language and the fight ended. No ground seemingly gained, none lost, but leaving a community that had honed their skill to hate just a little bit more - courtesy of our mega church.

Their ad never ran, but I kept the final print-ready copy and, while dining with my house guests last week and discussing how far society has moved, was reminded of it again.  I went up and found that print-ready copy in my closet (ok, ok, yes, I kept it in the closet...) and read it to them.  It occurred to me that this brave moment of these brave people had never been published.  So here it is in full below, paid for at the time by those signing below and their friends.

And so I too drift along the river and discover great things in decent people:

 

On Human and Civil Rights

Biblical faith requires from us a responsibility to all people. We are each others' teachers. We lead by example. We are bound by common values. We, as religious leaders, affirm these values:

  • To honor the dignity and equality of all persons in the sight of God;

  • To stand together against acts of hatred, violence, and the threat of violence in our community and in our schools;

  • To stand in solidarity with those who are threatened and injured;

  • To demonstrate respect for those who may think and act differently from ourselves

  • To initiate healing in our community through compassion and mutual respect so that we may all act on God's command that we be reconciled with those with whom we disagree.

Through these shared values, we work, defend, and advocate for human and civil rights for all people, regardless of religion, race, or sexual orientation.     

Rev. Ronald R. P. Meyers,  Rev. Ron Martinson, Carol Ann Seckel, Rev. Fritz Youra, R. Kevin Seckel, Dennis B. Holway, Rev. Donald D. Parsons - Bishop, Steven Charleston, Rev. E. Wesley Veatch, Rev. Dr. John C. Bury, Rev. Steven D. Humburg, Rev. Bruce A. Engebretson, Rev. Frederick (Fritz) P. Laupe, Rev. Daniel M. Bollerud, Gaetana Cincotta - S. S. A., Rev. Allen P. Price, Danielle Griffen - OP, Karen Yesh - SMAH, Chaplain Dianne O'Connell, Sister Marilee Murphy - CSJP, Rev. James R. Fellers, J. Rose McLean, John R. Tindell, Rev. Robert W. Nelson, Rev. Jay P. OlsonKetchum, Rev. Glenn Groth, Rev. Rick Cavens, Fr. Steve Moore, Rev. Charles H. Eddy, Rabbi Harry Rosenfeld               

A crazy fast ride home

June 21, 2011 - It was a crazy fast ride home - but that road gets lonely when all you have to talk to is yourself. No cell coverage, disconnected, I found I had to... read.  Newspapers when I stopped (and Canada has great ones) or listen to CBC (great, real radio), where I learned that the Bush Administration (II) actually tried to dig up dirt on bloggers in an eerie reflection of the last days of Richard Nixon...  It took getting out of the country to discover this, though it finally made the news in America yesterday.  Not music, but worth reflecting on.  Will we remember? Will we care? 

I am struck by the age we now live in.  We correspond in 140 character bites (sadly, with photos as we have recently learned, not counting against the number of characters regardless of size - which in that instance doesn't appear to matter), we e mail and text. Finding ways to say things in shorter and shorter phrases and iterations. We dumb down the language, replace "you" with "u" and have to learn whole new social niceties (does no period at the end of the sentence in a text mean she does not care? Why does it take more than a day to get a response, have I done something wrong?).  I crave letters and once (have I written this here) wrote daily. Fortunate enough to go to Oxford, I'd wake up early and walk to a tea or coffee place, cards in tow, and write two or three in the morning and at least another in the afternoon after lectures or tutorials.  I received nearly as many (the envy of the mailroom) and felt as though I was in a golden age of thought and correspondence.  I wrote long letters often, exploring ideas that were budding in my head of the inherent nature of man, new music, politics and philosophy.  There is something about the written word - not subject to cut and paste PCs - that forces you to consider your words, craft them.  I miss that. 

I still carry a stack of cards with me, a concession to that past but rarely find the time to pick up a pen and write them...  I find excuses, and as often as not I call, e mail or text the intended recipient making my news old long before it gets there.  Perhaps I will try and write again, maybe there will be a few less texts, fewer e mails for a bit... We can write a revolution... Of course I'll put that off at least until I've posted this on line...

Ft. Nelson, British Columbia

June 18, 2011 - In Ft. Nelson, British Columbia.  Heading home on the long drive.  The Alaska Highway before me.  There is a place in the middle - a moment when you are at your most lucid and most creative.  Balanced, as on a knife's edge - eternal and momentary. There was a time when I felt this feeling and I would relish it and consider all that I would create now. Savoring it, I would let it pass.  Gradually I learned that when I felt it, it was important to have the tools of the trade nearby - a guitar on or near the bed, a pen at hand.... But more often than not I would find a distraction instead - resolving to write, I'd head for the nearest coffee shop, only to pick up the advertising newspaper instead.  Or read the history of a restaurant on a menu, or, more recently, check political news on my I phone.  There is a discipline to creativity that must be cultivated, or the creative moment slips away.  Lost forever. Most of my best songs were written when I tapped that experience - at least those that were not coerced by a flirtation or discovered in a line scratched down in the past, finally liberated to form a song like an archaeological ruin unearthed and imagined in its beauty. But these are thoughts from the declining end of a knife's edge experience.  The road beckons, as does my home... 


Different stories emerge from your consciousness

June 17, 2011 - Different stories emerge from your consciousness.  Like the ebb and flow of an ocean, first rising to the surface, then down again.  It has been that way this week.  Stories I haven't told in years finding themselves at the surface, renewed in their remembrance and telling, all with the same basic themes: finding that which was lost; the good nature of people; the impossibility of chance; magic.

In Kerrville I repeated a story from my errant travels in South America when I was 17 and again at 22.  The story at 17, though, perhaps most set me on a path leading to magic and impossibility.  We had been there for two months already, climbing mountains in Bolivia and seeing the country.  Our team of seven had been slowly whittled down to three -- myself, my best friend from high school, Tuckerman, and his Father (our leader, loosely) Bill.  We had decided on the destination of Sajama, third highest mountain in South America and the highest in Bolivia.  Isolated in the southwestern Bolivian desert, the last stop in civilization would be the dusty city of Oruro, wracked in poverty and decaying.

We arrived in Oruro as the last days of an election campaign were ending. The Banzer dictatorship was giving way (or so they thought) to democracy and the cities were alive with rallies and drinking and the megaphoned voices of candidates desperate to win an election they never could. We stayed a night in a simple hotel, public showers and bath down the hall.  Eager to wash the dust of the road off of me, I headed for the shower. I remember it well -- the first hot water for days and for this 17 year old, a soapy oasis in a dusty trip.  I took off my two favorite rings -- both handmade.  One was gold with runes etched into it, the other turquoise and silver.  I set them in the soap dish, and settled into the warmth of the water coursing over me and then a long, good night's sleep.  We set out early the next morning for the three-day ride to Sajama in the back of various Toyota trucks - the cheapest and most regular form of transport.  It was early on the second day, now covered in dust, as I put my gloves on, that I realized I no longer had my rings and remembered that I had left them in the soap dish in Oruro.

I ranted for a bit and was despondent -- thinking: "if we just went back..." I would still be able to find them.  Bill knew it was useless, but told me we would return after the climb, but that we couldn't turn back now. Of course he never intended to go back.  Our route would take us in the opposite direction when we were done, back to La Paz and then home. Not consoled, I nonetheless agreed.  I was powerless to do anything else.  We continued to the small village of Tumarapi (sp) at the base of the mountain.

The climb was difficult. The mountain, deceptively easy in appearance, rose over 1,000 feet higher than Denali and created its own weather.  We managed to get up to near 19,000 feet over the course of a few days (all mountains in Bolivia already start at around 10,000 feet, so climbs take less time) and ended up bivouacked as weather closed in on the side of the mountain on a ledge of stones that we had made, with a tent barely big enough for the three of us.  Stuck on the ledge for that night and the next day, we grew bored as the night came on.  Bill began to tell ghost stories of the lost climbers of Sajama -- a story about a foreign embassy staff person who was lost on the mountain and was said to haunt the peak looking for other wayward climbers.

It was as he ended this story that we hear the first sound, like a distant "hello!" shouted over the incessant, non-stop howling of the wind outside our tent.  We all froze and I looked at Bill.  "Stop it", I said, "that's not funny". He look perplexed and denied he had said anything, as did Tucker. Just as I was starting to get angry, the three of us, now looking at each other, heard it again. "Hello in there..." and "Is there anybody there?"  A foreign accent, maybe German.  I think it might have been the only time I ever saw Bill, the inveterate teaser, truly stunned and maybe even frightened.  After a moment one of us unzipped the tent (not sure who) to see where the voice was coming from - this manifestation of the exact story we had just heard.  There, in the gale-force wind, was a man with a light jacket, goggles, holding what look liked a space blanket in his hand.  "Hello", he said.  "Do you have another tent or blanket?"

His name was Thomas Deskau, a teacher of German from Oruro.  He had come up the mountain thinking it was a day climb with only his light jacket and the emergency blanket.  He had become disoriented in the altitude and, when night fell (as it does quickly near the Equator), he had gotten lost only to stumble upon our tent.  Our tent was barely able to fit the three of us -- one on top of the other -- and the slope was too steep to allow for building another ledge and pitching another tent, so we gathered extra clothes and gave up one of our sleeping bags and set him up down wind of our tent to provide a little more shelter, half not expecting him to be there in the morning - a mirage from a ghost story.

But he was there the next day. His feet hurt, he said, but he insisted on joining us in a failed attempt to summit. We saw the summit flags, but wind and coming night forced us back down and we stumbled back to our tent in the dark. That night he told us something about Oruro and I, fully realizing that we would never be going back, drew a picture of my rings and wrote a description of the hotel down (I did not recall the name) and asked him if he could look for them when he returned.  He agreed to and the next morning got ready to leave, tucking my note in his jacket.  Still complaining about his feet hurting, we convinced him to take his boots off that next morning and saw that his feet were horribly frost bit -- probably from the first night.  Concerned, we asked him to stay with us and said we could get him out.  But we were burdened with all of our gear and he refused.  He took off down the mountain.  Faster and faster he seemed to walk, while we struggled after until he disappeared.

When I tell this story I shift here. I talk about getting back to Tumarapi, missing a bus by seconds and not seeing another for three days (due to the election).  I describe getting back to La Paz, the cold night sleeping on sheep carcasses and machine parts, the dinner celebration with Alaskans we stumbled upon, the coup and my first encounter with an Uzi.  I talk about fleeing the city and missing our ferry, thereby losing our luggage.  I talk about how we got the luggage back, after tracking the bus driver and how we bribed our way across the Bolivia/Peru border to get away from the devolving country that had closed its borders.  I talk about Peru and the return home.  It's a long story, full of the adventures that have been at the core of my life and that shaped my first real adult impressions of the world and which likely drive me to this day.  But those stories are for other times.  This story ends some seven or eight months later when the mail came to my apartment in Anchorage.

That day the mail included a box from someone named Tim Beale, a name I did not know.  There was a note inside which I still have (along with the box) that said that the contents of the box were given to him (Beale) by a friend of his from Europe who had been traveling in South America and had passed through Miami (where Beale lived) on his way home.  The friend had been to Oruro and met a German there who insisted he take the box and make sure it was sent to the address written on it - my address. When I opened that smaller box I saw both of my rings and a note from Thomas Deskau.  He had survived the return, his feet intact, and had gone, after his recovery, to the hotel that I had described. There he had asked about the rings and the desk clerk, beaming, brought them out and assured Thomas that he new the owner was bound to return.  It is of little doubt that those rings were worth at least half of a year's salary for that clerk, but he had held on to them.  Thomas had met a man traveling and thought it would be more reliable to mail the rings from the States, as he could not trust the Bolivian postal service.  This traveler was passing through Florida on his way back to Europe and entrusted the rings to Beale so the proper postage could be put on them.  And Beale had mailed them to me.

It is an odd story. Of coincidence and luck. Of the good nature of people.  Of ghosts and good fortune.  It is a true story.  It is a magic story and it shapes me.


Patterns of life that pay the bills

June 16, 2011 - A long time has passed since I wrote.  Oddly, time without my car, left in Arlington, Virginia while I slipped back into patterns of life that pay the bills and keep my house in Anchorage.  Divorced from the road, an uneasy and volatile relationship at times, but reconciled now. Car in my hands, Kerrville and Minnesota in my rear view mirror, I head home again. Always heading home. As in past years, Kerrville was a reconnection to great friends and the meeting of new ones and then it was Austin for a night and then a lunch before landing on Interstate 35 and heading North to see family and for a music event for my Uncle Gene at my Cousin Jeff's - with all my Mom's family there (Bette, Barbara and Tom, Audrey, Cousins Kelly and John), Jeff's daughters Bri and Emily, John's son Matt and friends Trina, Jill and Pete as well. It was a good evening.  The previous evening was at Cousin Anna's and her husband Gary and lunch with Uncle Pete, visit with Cousin Barbara - Minnesota, my other home.

We are bound by the myths and magic that grow up around us, with us. I heard no few stories of my past in this past two days. One story still makes the rounds unchanged after all these years... I had been doing one of my many cross-country trips in my twenties (or was it my late teens?) and had stopped to visit Uncle Gene and Aunt Bette.  To protect my stuff I had parked my car in their garage in Minneapolis (Nordeast, as they say) and, after an evening of stories and dinner, ran out in a rain storm to unlock the garage padlock and set out on the road for somewhere that I don't recall - all I knew was that it was East...  I pulled the car out (the trusty brown Toyota), put the key on the top of the car while I re-padlocked the garage.  I bid farewell to the city of my summers in youth and headed East to Wisconsin.  It was in Madison when I realized I had forgotten to take the key to the garage off of my car...  Hundreds of miles later, I pulled over and, in a desperate panic, reached up on top of my car... and found the key. Stunned, I called Gene and Bette and let them know I had the key.  The next day I dropped it in the mail and the story became a bit of family lore, a bit of magic... There are others to tell and, one day they'll come out too.


I left after the show last night - family mostly still there as I extended my goodbye for an hour before climbing into my car and setting out West to Fargo.  I couldn't stay. A sadness, or a contemplation had its grip on me.  A moment.  A passage of time. Compelled to feel the road beneath me, where everything becomes timeless, where thought is therapy, where pasts and futures merge in a slow lane of thought, I set out. And so, with a full moon guiding me, then behind me, I drove into a fog in Fargo and the night.

Suns out in Anchorage

February 12, 2011 - Suns out in Anchorage.  Going to see Guy Davis tonight (a Whistling Swan event).  Though reflecting on winters, and cold and my home for a moment...

 

I drive a lot - have since I was young.  I tell people its been 42 times up and back on the Alcan, but  think it might have been more.  Easily more.  But the miles roll under my car like time itself.  And I've watched time - often surprised when I look in a mirror and see a shock of grey, a line, or feel the weight of life or see it looking back at me.  We choose things - every day, every moment. We have before us the path of happiness, but will we take it?  We live in drama and regret, but always within reach of something else.  Will we reach?  These choices determine so much, and we don't get to rewind, or redo.  So we see the risk of life and many, fearful, settle for what they know.  What is before them. We may ache for what we leave behind us, and yet revel when we have the wisdom to see forward. A friend once told me "If you ever change your mind, let me know..."  and I loved that. For rarely are doors left open, whether or not we ever walk through them.  We cannot know who we will be or what we will face over years.  But the door is cracked even if, in time, forgotten.

When I was 19 one of my first powerful relationships ended. She was a singer with a voice that would melt any Alaskan Winter and I found myself tortured by a loss I could not comprehend - I had imagined a lifetime with her (but what can a 19 year old know of a lifetime?).  So, when I could no longer handle the searing pain of loss, I packed up my old Toyota Corolla, stopped by a holiday party (Winter in Alaska), bid a dramatic farewell to my old high school friends (oh, to make her feel the sense of loss, I thought - never a good idea when the old girlfriend has already moved on), and then I drove away in the middle of the night, the radio echoing my choice with Supertramps' "Take the Long Way Home". 

I had no clear idea of where I was going, but I knew it was to find my way out of this place that I knew had caused me so much pain.  I knew I would find solace in the road. I knew I was gone. Baby, I was out of there... I might have said to her.

I drove under a clear sky and, before the moon rose, I saw the Northern Lights, a necklace around the night and then the moon...  As the miles ticked by in that wasted subzero winterland, I grew more and more tired, eventually falling asleep and flaming out into a ditch some 240 miles North of Anchorage. Tok a ten mile walk away.  5 am.  No vehicles.  And so I got out and walked, and reflected and in that cold, as each step took me closer to that flashing amber light (visable from ten miles away), I thought of who I was, where life goes, how we choose...

Car towed out, I didn't head home.  I continued.  A resolve had come over me on that walk and I'm sure it changed my life.  I knew that I would always pull myself out of the ditch, and move on.  That knowing I could be at the party, or on the road was no choice at all. It had to be moving forward.  Reality bested metaphor, and I became my own music or poem. I drove that time through the states to DC and I was gone from Alaska for over five months.  In many ways I never returned, though I did physically come back.  I knew then as clearly as I know now that you live once (as far as you can know) and in that life there are few limits on what is possible. 

I recall at one point having driven past Crater Lake Park in the middle of the night and heading to Eastern Oregon.  The road was silent, cold, the night clear and, as I drove down from the park, I saw a flashing amber light ahead of me.  Experience told me it was at least ten miles away. And, with Fleetwood Mac's "Sara" playing full blast on my 8 track, I drove away from my past to somewhere only the road could show me.

Airport in Minneapolis

February 9, 2011 - Airport in Minneapolis and the temperature is twenty degrees cooler than Anchorage. I wonder about this mythic anomaly of Alaska - the ice box, the folly.  Where you can walk across ice in the summer in sandals, or ski down mountains in shorts. We build myths and live them.  Had a friend once who adopted the garb of the supposed Alaskan.  He grew up in the Anchorage area - born in South America.  But when he went East for college he bought a Stetson and an accent, and played the tough Alaskan.  His parents had been hippies - escaped to Alaska from the East. Father a College Professor, Mother a postal worker.  But my friend?  He was John Wayne in "North to Alaska" and the folks in Connecticut ate it up. 

I came to visit him once during the Bush/Reagan Presidential Primary and he convinced me to come to the Connecticut College Republicans convention as part of his College's delegation.  Not only was I a tried and true Democrat, but I had the long hair of a person who was rarely comfortable with more than one fork or a name plate by my dinner setting.  I covered the Democratic Convention in New York City later that year as a reporter for the Alaska Public Radio Network (strictly voluntary, but I did interview Betty Friedan), but in March I travelled to the Connecticut College Republican Convention as part of his College's Republican delegation - under the assumed name of Hallowood Kaxlaxian (when asked I claimed it was British and Greek).  At one point the battle between the Yale Reagan and Bush delegations turned into a credential challenge, each side fighting to see which would be seated and secure the delegates for the State Convention.  I was selected to Chair as a "neutral" and practiced every trick I knew to get the Yale Bushies in - only to lose in the end.  A strange experience, to be sure, but revealing also. We so easily move to deception....

And so it is. We spend a lifetime crafting stories of who we are, who we want to be - sometimes knowingly making the details up.  But we risk losing ourselves in them.  A Stetson and a myth, isn't necessarily the truth...